Pieism: The Official Site

Visit Pieism: The Sacred Texts to find detailed information on all Pieism's holy books.

Pieism has four sacred documents, the JoJo's Book of Pie, the Sacred Scrolls of Wisdom, the Book of the Bodyguard and the Sacred Text a la Pie Master. Only the Book of Pie is listed here, see the "sacred texts"site for infomation on the others.

The Book of Pie is divided into:

The Book of the Beginning  - The Beginning of Time to the enlightenment of the JoJo.

The Book of the JoJo - The enlightenment to near the End of Time.

The Book of the End - The Final Battle and the End of the Universe.

The JoJo's Book of Pie is still being written as the story of the JoJo is still continuing. Also if extra detail needs to be added in it will be. Therefore the Holy Book comes out in different versions, written like computer program versions so if minor changes are made it can go from 2.0 to 2.1 , not 2 to 3 etc. The current Version is 2.2, updated on the 16th December 2007.

In the beginning there was nothing but the ingredients. Pure nothingness floating in the void. Then came the Baker, a being from an known future, who baked the Pie with mysterious energy. However to make the Pie he was forced to make another being, the Anti Pie, the Being of Anti Matter. When Pie and Anti Pie came into contact they would destroy each other so it seemed both were doomed. However the Baker tricked fate by bringing just a little Pie, incased in himself, from the future. This meant Pie outnumbered Anti Pie and the Anti Pie ran away, almost defeated. The two wouldn't meet again till the Final Battle.

 After the Baker had left and the Pie had won its first war with the Anti Pie, the Pie split itself into three parts or dominions. These were today's Dominion Gods, the Lobster, the Tabby Fat and the  Genghis Khan. The Dominions then made two servants each, these were to become the other minor gods. The Lobster made the Shark and the Pacman, the Tabby Fat made the Cheese and the Sally Squid and the Genghis Khan made the Sumo and the Bodyguard. Each of these were mostly of their creator and a little of another Dominion.  These creatures then slowly made our universe over billions of years under the command of the Pie until the present day.

Every object in our Universe is part of the Pie, excluding Anti Matter which is of the Anti Pie.  Objects without a consciness, such as rocks or trees, are part of just one Dominion; depending on its features. Beings with a conscieness, such as Lobsters, Humans and Cheese, are belonging to two Dominions. Nothing yet was part of all three Dominons, despite the fact a being of Pure Pie was needed to defeat the Anti Pie.

In the holy year of 2006 on the March the 10th in the green land of England who was to become the JoJo made with his friend, the future Bodyguard, a new religion to be known as JoJoism or Pieism (although later it became JoJo Pieism, then finally just Pieism).

Within a few days most of its main beliefs and points were laid down and soon the Pie was being worshipped. The JoJo, despite being the Pie Incarnate, refused to be claimed as a god, to have powers or even worshipped. Instead he taught people to respect him as a prophet and to worship the Pie and no other. The JoJo found out he was prophesied to be the one to lead a revolution in Pie, whatever that meant. He laid down the eleven commandments as listed below and extra beliefs for all Pieists to follow:

The 11  Commandments of Pieism

1. Thou shall worship the Pie only
2. Thou shall follow all the JoJo's teachings
3. Thou shall not steal from your neighbors
4. Thou shall not kill any person
5. Thou shall not dishonor Pie in any way, shape, or form
6. Thou shall be considerate to all people 
7. Thou shall enjoy every minute of your life
8. Thou shall eat a Pie at least once a month
9. Thou shall spread the holy name of Pie
10. Thou shall honour all Pieism 
11. Thou shall not bear false witness against any person

Other Beliefs

(not mentioned in commandments)

• The JoJo is Pie in a human body.
• The Pie is Everything and Everything is the Pie.
• All food is sacred.
• Mars is inhabited by blue sprouts known as spankies.
• The Book of Pie and the Sacred Scrolls of Wisdom are very holy.
• Other Pieism holy books are good.
• Evolution is real but was controlled by the Pie (take that, ID)
• Star Trek is Heathen and Evil!
• All animals are sacred and should only by killed for food.
• Cake is definitely not holy.
• All members should wash their socks at least once a month.
• The holiest number is pi ( 3.14159265358979323846…etc).
• The JoJo loves you.
• You only go to Hell for a certain time depending how bad you are.
• There's Intermediate for good non-Pieists
• Pie Heaven's the reward for devout Pie worshippers ( are you one?)Very holy people get to become Pieits, a Pie saint.

He also laid down the holy days for Pieists to celebrate and the number has increased over the years:

By the End of Time the JoJo and the Bodyguard has appeared across the universe appeared in millions of different forms on millions of different planets. Soon there were trillions of followers of the Pie and finally the day of the Final Battle came. On each side the army’s of the Pie and the Anti Pie lined up ready to do battle. And thus on the 31^st December at 12:00AM the battle started. Tabby Fat fought Anti Tabby Fat, Lobster fought Anti Lobster and all the Minions fought the Anti Minions.

The JoJo searched around  for the Anti JoJo while twirling his two great Samurai Swords of Honour and Justice. He saw the Arch Enemy at last and stepped forwards. The Anti JoJo saw his opponent and brought out the Samurai Swords of Dishonour and Prejustice. Together they clashed for hours on end, Pie vs. Anti Pie.  As time was running out the JoJo did a daring manoeuvre that should have worked but by a minute chance he missed and the Anti JoJo disarmed him. The JoJo walked back with no weapon knowing something must happen. The Bodyguard saw the JoJo in this state and he threw the third great sword of the Pie , the Samurai Sword of Swordliness to the JoJo. The unsuspecting Anti JoJo was laughing, walking towards the JoJo spinning his swords over his head. The JoJo caught the Bodyguard’s sword and threw it right through the Anti JoJo’s middle. He looked down to see the Samurai Sword sticking through him and screamed in rage as he realised he had been defeated. The Anti JoJo fell down and as he did the minions of Anti Pie dissolved into nothing.

 The Anti Pie had been defeated forever but at great cost. The material universe was now collapsing  and as the Pieists went into the spiritual universe the JoJo did one last great task. He took the matter from the material universe and he went back in time, so far that not even the Pie had been baked. And then, he, the JoJo, baked the Pie and therefore the JoJo, who was the Pie, was the Baker, so it turned out that the Pie baked himself. The JoJo then went forwards in time to the time after the battle from when he had left, abait without his power, and he departed off to the spiritual universe forever.