It was on the ninth day of March in the Christian era year of two thousand and six in the green land of England that whom would become the JoJo went to bed. That night he dreamed of an almighty Pie who encompassed the whole universe, and a new religion to be created by him and one other. The next day he discussed with his friend, the future Bodyguard of Pieism.
"I had similar dreams of a Pie last night; it told me that you are the one true JoJo," the future Bodyguard said.
"What could this mean?" the JoJo wondered. At that moment two lobsters appeared and bowed before him reverently.
"Do not be alarmed, we mean you no harm," the lobsters told the JoJo, who jumped in surprise.
"Who are you?" he sputtered.
"I am Heart, and this is Marcus," one of the lobsters replied, "We bring great tidings. For the last few months we have been following clues left by a holy fatling prophetess about the return of the Pie and they have lead us to this very spot. We have been listening to your conversation, is it true that the Pie spoke to you in a dream last night?"
"Yes, it told me to create a new religion...," the JoJo replied in a confused tone, to which the lobsters shouted for joy and danced around in a circle.
"At last, we have found you!" they cried, "From now on you shall be known as the JoJo and you shall spread the Pie's word amongst humanity, for you are the Pie Incarnate,"
"What..." the JoJo said, "this is a lot to take. What do I do first?"
"Whatever you feel is best, my JoJo. We'll be back later," they replied and bowed before scuttling out of the room.
Thus on the tenth day of March in that year, the JoJo and the Bodyguard together founded the religion that would become known as Pieism. The Bodyguard went around that day recruiting and baptising in preparation for the JoJo's first teachings. When some people asked whether he was the Pie he answered.
"No, for I will baptise you in water while he'll baptise you in gravy". He and the JoJo discovered that the JoJo would be the master and main prophet for the religion and the Bodyguard would be second in precedence of all Pieism. That day they recruited the first three Pie Priests: Yorai, Oliver and Alex.
Soon after the founding of Pieism the JoJo went to a party with his new followers. Half way through the night however they realised they had ran out of proper Coke Cola, all that was left in the fridge was Tesco Value Diet Coke.
"Oh no" cried the Pieists, "the party is ruined!".
"Fear not for I can do something". The JoJo interjected. He then took the Coke bottles, lined them up in a row and muttered some words. When the followers looked they realised that not only had they all turned into proper Coke Cola but they were also Coke Cola with Lime! Everyone praised the Pie and started singing "Put the Lime in the Coke you nut and shake it all up, put the Lime in the Coke you nut and shake it all up." Thus while saving a party the JoJo had done his first miracle.
Later on some followers approached the JoJo and asked him, who was the JoJo and what his role in Pieism? The JoJo thought and answered:
"JoJo is Pie, Pie Incarnate" and they said,
"How is this possible?" and the JoJo answered,
"The Pie is split into three dominions, each represented by the initial gods of Tabby Fat, Zeus the Lobster and Genghis Khan. I am the only being representing all three and therefore I am the one and only thing fully representing the Pie". The followers asked,
"So are all people Pie?" and the JoJo replied,
"Yes, but not just people, the Pie is everything and everything is the Pie, when you look at the stars, or the trees and anything really, you see a reflection of the Pie. There is only two substances in this universe, Pie and Anti-Pie, and they have both created from pure nothingness,"
In September, roughly six months after the founding of Pieism, the JoJo called together his followers and thus said:
"The holy Pie itself gave me these eight commandments to give you moral guidance, these are the most important rules in Pieism. They are as follows:
- Thou shall hold no gods above the holy Pie
- Thou shall not assault, murder or otherwise harm a fellow sapient mortal without just reason
- Thou shall not steal or take possession of property that does not belong to thee
- Thou shall not allow any sentient being to experience undue suffering
- Thou shall not oppress freedom of speech, assembly or worship at any time
- Thou shall treat all food with respect
- Thou shall eat pie at-least once a month
- Thou shall spread the teachings of the Pie whenever possible
"You should refer to these first in most cases of moral uncertainty unless there is a more particular teaching from me on the issue. Furthermore, these are the seventeen holy days you should keep:
- 1st January : New Pie day : Celebrates the creation of the Universe by the Pie.
- 3rd July : Cheese day: Celebrates the deity Cheryl Cheese and the foodstuff in general.
- 25th July : Technology day : Celebrates all the technology we have now and will acquire in the future.
- 9th August : Bodyguard day : Celebrates the birth and life of the Bodyguard.
- 30th August : JoJo day : Celebrates the birth and life of the JoJo.
- 10th September : Reformation day: Celebrates the continued evolution and reformation of Pieism.
- 21st September : Pokemon day : Celebrates the miracle of Pokemon.
- 11th October : Tabby Fat day : Celebrates the great god Tabby Fat.
- 5th November : Anti-Traitor day : Celebrates the failure of traitors such as Judas, Guy Falkes and Jojo Misawoki.
- 4th December: Sally Squid day : Celebrates the goddess of love, Sally Squid.
- 25th December: Khanmas day : Celebrates the birth of our saviour, Genghis Khan.
Later, when the JoJo was with some followers, they asked him about the Pie's most loyal servants, the lobsters. The JoJo thought about it, then told them the first of the Lobster Stories, 'The Lobster and the Mountain.'
"Once upon a time, there a Englishman crossing the Himalayas and he met some friendly natives, who invited him to go fishing him them. While fishing, he caught a huge, black lobster, the largest crustacean he had ever seen! However, the natives said it was a sacred lobster, whoever ate it would become cursed. The man didn't believe them and that night he ate the whole lobster, as no native would touch it. As he went to bed, in a hut he had borrowed, he heard strange noises outside. He looked out, to see thousands upon thousands of lobsters crawling up the mountain towards him. He ran all the way to the top of the mountain to get away, but there were more lobsters on the other side! They picked him up with their claws, and threw him all the way down the mountain. And he died."
"Does that answer your question?" added the JoJo.
"It does, teacher," they replied, "As now we know, to kill a lobster is a grave sin indeed," and the JoJo said "You are correct, for the lobsters are the angels of the Pie itself. Only when a lobster freely enters a pot of it's own volition, with the hope to return to Mars, is it acceptable to dine on lobster,"
Some time later, a group of Pieists lead by Pie Priest Alex asked the JoJo "Does the Pie love us?" and he replied, "Yes, for a true craftsman loves his creation and you, humanity, are the Pie's finest creations. I, the JoJo, also love you all, as you are all of the Pie, even those who are Anti-Pie, for all have the potential to be with and be the holy Pie. Love all creation, as the land, the sea, the sky, space and of course lifes are all reflections of the Pie's infinite flavours,"
Not long after that, Steven Hawking, a great scientist, woke up to find himself in a strange room. Next to him was a pink squid wearing bright red lipstick. To his surprise, she opened her mouth and spoke to him.
"Hi, I'm Sally Squid, one of the holy gods of the Pie, welcome to the Universal Physics Quiz."
"What's that?" he typed, "You will find out soon!" the squid replied. He was lead onto a brightly lit stage and plugged into a machine, which according to Sally Squid would say what he wanted it to say instantly. On the stage, there were several other contestants and in front of the crowd, there was a young man in a suit.
"Hello!" he said excitedly, "Welcome to the Sixth Universal Physics Quiz, where the greatest minds in the Universe battle it out for a prize of one night with Sally Squid!" "I'm the JoJo, your host tonight!" he continued, "and we have today, Sir Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, Steven Hawking and Tabby Fat!" The JoJo then asked questions while the contestants had to answer.
During the quiz Steven Hawking and Tabby Fat took the lead while the other two contestants fell behind in points.
"And now the final question!" the JoJo exclaimed, "If Tabby Fat or Steven Hawking get this then they have won the game." The contestants waited with bated breath, the crowd fell silent. "Is time constant!" shouted the JoJo and Steven could feel the signals going from him to the buzzing machine while he could see Tabby Fat's tail flying towards his button. Who would get there first?
"BUZZ", came the noise from someone's machine. "Einstein", said the JoJo "Your answer?"
"No," Einstein simply replied.
"You are correct," shouted the JoJo "Unfortunately that isn't enough to put you in the lead, it's now a head to head between Steven Hawking and Tabby Fat!"
The JoJo looked down and read the last card, "How did the Big Bang happen?"
Steven thought instantly, his brainwaves signalling the machine, but would it be fast enough? "BUZZ!" his machine went.
"It's your question Hawking!" the JoJo said.
"Was it the collision of two multidimensional branes?" he asked. The crowd was silent again, waiting for the JoJo's rresponse
"No!" he cried, "that is not correct. Tabby Fat?" Tabby Fat thought a moment, then said
"Was it the collision between the Pie and the Anti Pie?" The JoJo was silent for a moment, then replied "That is correct, you have won the quiz!" As Tabby Fat was awarded the prize, he heard Sally Squid behind him,
"I want a night with you anyway." What happened doesn't need to be described.
After the JoJo returned from the dream world in which the Universal Physics Quiz had taken place, he collected the best of his followers for some new teachings.
"All food is sacred" said the JoJo "You must treat all your food with most the respect you would give a pie. However, pie is the most holy of foods, as it is made in the image of the Pie itself. After pie, the next most sacred of food is cheese, always remember that cheesiness is next to pieliness!" He paused, and then carried on "Some of the Pieists of the ancient times taught that cake was evil, similar to what we believe about the Anti-Pie. I tell you now, cake is not evil! It is but a mere food, as chocolate, carrots and turnips are. Shun cake if you want, but it will not gain you favours in the book of the Pie."
"I have another teaching for you to take heed of," continued the JoJo "I command you to respect all life, from the monkeys, to the ants, the sharks and even the French! I tell you only to kill for food, never kill animals sadistically, as that it not the way of the Pie. Those who kill needlessly will not be looked on favourably by the Pie or any of the gods, except Zeus the Lobster, and maybe Miss Jaws! You are also forbidden to consume the flesh of any sapient mortal, so do not eat human, or lobster, or fatling, or pug, or droid, unless it is freely offered to you in a pot or you are under mortal peril,"
And so Pieism kept on expanding, with new followers joining all the time, the holy word of the Pie being spread to more and more people. The Pieist internet community was also growing, as the Pieism website became better and easier to understand. At the same time more deep understandings about the nature of the Pie were being revealed by the JoJo to the loyalist of the followers.
One day, around the time mentioned above, the JoJo was at a follower?s house, the Pie Priest Yorai, with the Bodyguard. Yorai had just received a four foot Lego Yoda off eBay, however when he opened it, there was just five Lego bricks in the box
"Nooo!" wailed the follower, "I will never be able to build it now!"
"Never fear!" said the JoJo "I'm sure there are enough". So the JoJo, the Bodyguard and Yorai started building the four foot Lego Yoda. However many bricks they used, there seemed to be lots to spare. While they were building, the JoJo reminded them "Star Wars is good but beware of Star Trek, it will suck your life away if you are not careful," Finally, when they were finished, the Bodyguard and Yorai were amazed by the power of the JoJo, they had just built a complete four foot Lego Yoda with just five Lego bricks!
Around this time Rosie, sister of the JoJo, asked him about lobsters, to tell him a story so she may know about them. So the JoJo told her the second Lobster Story: the Lobster and the Old Man.
"Once upon a time there was an old wealthy man with a pet lobster. He was really kind to it; he gave it lots of food, played video games with it and gave it several female lobsters. He and the lobster had a great time in the old man's huge mansion and garden. However, one day the old man died and the mansion was given to his hardhearted niece, who changed the old man's will so she instead of the lobster would get his estate. She put the lobster in a bulletproof tank and ate all his female lobsters, he knew that she was going to eat him for her birthday. On her birthday, she held a huge party, where the poor lobster was cooked up and served. Just as everyone had finished the meal, however, they heard a terrible noise coming from the roof. They looked up, only to see the whole top of the mansion was gone, and there, hovering above it, was the great Lobster god Zeus himself! The guests watched in fear as Zeus picked up the niece and chucked her into space. And she died."
"Do you now understand about lobsters?" asked the JoJo.
"Yes," replied Rosie "I see that lobsters are not just funny-looking crustaceans, they are tough, hard shelled, fire shooting, elite fighters. Only the true Pie would have such soldiers at its disposal,"
"You are indeed wise," said the JoJo "You could be a great leader for Pieism in the future".
Not long after that, some followers approached the JoJo and asked him:
"Did evolution happen, or is intelligent design true?"
"Both are true, in their own way," the JoJo replied, "the Pie baked all life upon Earth in it's image but it did so by evolution. Trying to deny what is plainly obvious is a foolish endeavour indeed," The followers thanked the JoJo and recorded his word for the Pieists of the future.
Later that month, in a maths class, the JoJo was asked by the Bodyguard.
"What is the holiest of numbers?" The JoJo thought about this and answered thus.
"There are three holy numbers, two minor numbers and one major number. The two minor holy numbers are thirteen and forty two. Thirteen because that is a sacred number of the Pie, the universe is currently around thirteen billion years old, even the founding date is related to thirteen, the tenth of March can also be written as ten and three, ten plus three equals thirteen! Forty two is also a sacred number of the universe and therefore of the Pie, it was revealed by the philosopher Douglas Adams."
"The most holy number of all," continued the JoJo, "Is Pi (π), most precisely 3.14159 26535 89793 23846 26433 83279 50288 41971 69399 37510..
. This is the most sacred number in the entire universe. If you divide forty two by thirteen you get roughly 3.23077, which is close to Pi but not quite. This is because of the corruption of the Anti-Pie in the physical universe, forty two divided by thirteen should equal 3.14159..
. the difference between what it should equal and what it does is the amount of Anti-Pie corruption in the universe, which luckily is only roughly 0.0891765..
. The number Pi is infinite, just like the almighty Pie it represents. Does this answer your question?" and the Bodyguard said "Yes, for in numbers such as Pi, the true elegance of the Pie is revealed!"
Some time after that, a group of doubting followers approached the JoJo to ask him about the forgiving nature of the Pie.
"O man of crusts," said they, "You claim the Pie to be a bastion of forgiveness, yet we only hear of his justice through the millennial curse of the necrolobster. Where has the Pie offered forgiveness?"
"Ah, if a skeleton lobster was to ask me sincerely for clemency, I would oblige," the JoJo replied, "But nonetheless, I will tell a story:
Once upon a time many centuries ago in North America lived a native man by the name of Hiss. He and his aged parents were travelling as traders when they were attacked and slain by bandits. Now, most mortals would accept their fate and await judgement on Jupiter by Genghis Khan but not Hiss. Using his guile and wits, he escaped from the hall of the dead and found his way back to the spot on Earth where he'd been murdered. From there, he took the form of his personal spirit, a snake, and tracked down the bandits and when he found them, he smote them and rid the area of a great menace. He then returned to Jupiter to hand himself and await his fate. The Pie saw that his intentions had been noble and so pardoned the man and rose him up to become a demigod: Hiss the Snake."
Soon after the tale of Hiss the Snake had been recounted, the JoJo gathered many of his followers together.
"A new revelation has taken place," he announced, "It has become clear to me in a dream that my very own sister Rosie is none other than the human incarnation of Queen Puggles Puggington Pugster, Queen of all pugs and Princess of Pugland." While the followers took this in, he explained how centuries ago, the former pug king Rufus had survived an assassination attempt, only to die of his wounds two days later. While the Pie could have brought the old dog back, after millennia of reigning he wanted nothing more than rest, so instead a successor was created for him who would rule Pugland until the end of time. The young pug who was raised again was to be known as Queen Puggles and she would be no mere mortal but a demigod. Now she had been incarnated as the sister of the JoJo and was from there on third in precedence for earthly Pieism.
It came to pass that the JoJo was travelling when he was asked about who Hercules the Lobster was. He recounted a story about how he met the famous crustacean hero.
"Hercules is the demigod son of Zeus, along with a mortal consort. He was almost lost as a larvae but after the intervention of my brother, I adopted him via the lobster hatchery in Trowbridge. He soon grew to become a young lobster of unusual strength, his muscles bulging out of his ebony shell. After causing an unfortunate injury in a barfight, he set out to complete the twelve labours of Hercules the Lobster. That my followers is another story, however,"
Thus, the story of the JoJo continues to be written to this day, and will be added to until his time on this Earth is up.