Pieism: The Official Site

Embrace the Pie!

About the Book of Pie

The Book of Pie is an evolving text written by the JoJo and his followers to document the history of Pieism, the teachings of the JoJo and prophecies for the future. As of present the book is currently being retranslated specially for Pieism's Official Site, so what you read here is a work in progress. The Book is subdivided into four  component books:

Book of Origins - The Pie's creation of the universe and humanity
Book of Kingdoms - The story of Earth and Mars up until the coming of the JoJo
Book of JoJo - Tales of the JoJo while he is on Earth
Book of Prophecies - Predictions for the far future and end of days

Book of Origins

In the beginning, there was nothing. Or so the classic tale goes. The events surrounding the forming and baking of the Pie are still even now unclear, because surely there must have been ingredients before then, and maybe even a baker? However it happened, after the Pie had been baked, it sat on the window sill of emptiness and cooled. It was not alone, however, for alongside it sat another being, the Anti-Pie. For reasons unknown to this day, a dark reflection of our crust had also been formed in that primordial oven, and the two would never be able to co-exist for long. After mere seconds in our time, but eons in those days, the two came together in a fiery crash and went bang! And thus the universe we know today came into existence.

On the table of non-existence, in the infinite kitchen of the void, stood the cosmos. Pie and Anti-Pie, ying and yang, good and evil, even at this time the duality of the universe was self-evident. The Pie saw this, and it knew what to do: using the mixing bowl of the first stars it created three gods to shape the universe. The first was Tabby Fat, the huge limbless feline with significant weight problem, who lit many more stars with his fiery breath and forged galaxies with a swish of his tail. The second was Zeus the Lobster, who with one flick of his gargantuan claws scattered the seeds of life across space and maybe a few lightning bolts too. The third and final god was Genghis Khan, who hacked apart the boundaries between the physical and spirit worlds with his sword, letting a flood of untarnished souls into our universe and so thus allowing the existence of sapient beings. The Pie saw all of this and knew it was good.

After all this had taken place, the three gods came to the Pie.

"We are tired" they said, "Must we now take care of this creation all by ourselves?" The holiest of crusts thought and then asked them each for a portion of their spirits, which they willingly gave. The Pie put the three soul chunks into the pot of time, and stirred. It then divided the divine mixture into five parts, each of which became a new god, Cheryl Cheese; the goddess of food, Miss Jaws; the goddess of war, Sally Squid; the goddess of love, Sukune the Sumo; the god of sport and the Bodyguard; the god of the defender. And so from that time forever more there were eight gods who would serve the Pie.

The five new gods left to explore the universe, and the Pie was about to rest when it saw Tabby Fat trying to get to the pot. It picked up the container, to find it was not completely empty, there was still a thin layer of soul mixture left. The great pastry thought and then taking the spoon used to create the minor gods, it flicked out the mixture into space. The droplets of spirit-matter landed on a nearby red planet, where they formed into the creatures which then had no name. The beings called out for the Pie from their new planet.

"We are formless" they cried, "we have no purpose!" They looked up to space in hope, and saw flying down from it Zeus the Lobster, carrying on his back the almighty Pie. At that moment, they felt their shapeless masses changing into dark-shelled beings with claws, legs, antennae and a tail. Upon the highest mountain on the planet, one so high that from its peak could be seen from anywhere in an entire hemisphere Zeus put down the Pie. The creatures looked up at the golden pastry in awe.

"My children," boomed the Pie in voice so loud that the ground shook. "I created you and have given you one of holiest of my forms, from this day forth on you shall be known as the lobster people. Two races you will form, in the East and the West. I will also now give you a purpose, for you shall multiply and spread across this solar system, and you shall take my word with you. To assist you, I have provided powers that will aid your survival, you will be able build the greatest of cities, survive in the harshest of environments, and shoot fire from your claws. Those and the ability to communicate with any sapient life form will be but of few of the skills with which you shall use to radiate my word throughout my domain. To make sure you never forget your roots, I name this holy planet Mars, this place shall always be your homeland." The Pie paused for a second, and then continued "I promise you this, serve me and live nobly and rather than be reborn as a mere mortal, upon death you shall become a great spirit who shall live with me forever. Await my champion and your King, for he will first bring truth to my creation, give three gifts to all beings, and finally lead you to victory over those who plot against us. That dark corruption is already planning our downfall; they too will have a champion. I see darkness in this planet's future, but never lose faith, for my triumphant return is as sure as the rocks beneath your dactylus. Farewell."

And with that, the Pie slowly rose off the mountain top into the air. The lobsters saw the most glorious of crusts rise above the dust clouds, and then gasped as it disappeared in a burst of glaring light. It would be many millennia before another living mortal would set eyes on our Pie.

Book of Kingdoms

 With the aid of the fatlings, the feline descendants of Tabby Fat's three children, lobster civilisation quickly grew in leaps and bounds. Mars was under one kingdom, ruled by a divine line of lobster kings chosen by the Pie itself. Within a few centuries space travel was discovered and the lobsters were finally able to travel to Earth and visit their holy charges: humanity. The first lobster colonies were established and many new ideas and gifts were brought back from Earth to enrich Mars. The lobsters were particularly fascinated by the pets which humans kept and so brought to Mars a collection of dogs. Finding to their dismay that the terrestrial canines couldn't survive the Martian atmosphere, their geneticists got to work and soon were able to breed a dog that was both sapient and able to breathe on Mars: they would come to be known as the pugs. 

All was not well in the Kingdom of Mars however. King Boulder III and many other noble lobsters became drunk on their own power and began to forget the Pie, instead worshipping only Zeus the Lobster god. Their pride soon eclipsed all else and they started an armed rebellion against the Pie, with the aim of replacing our crust with Zeus. The noblest of crustacean's refused to betray his creator though and thus the traitorous lobsters were defeated at the battle of the Western Plains by the lobsters and fatlings loyal to the Pie. The survivors were promptly thrown into boiling water as was and still is the punishment for unrepentant treacherous lobsters. 

Whilst the Martian civil war raged on, many of the pugs who lived amongst the lobsters fled their homes and came together for protection, lead by the pug known as Rufus. They came in boats across a new island formed in the Martian ocean by the catastrophic war and pledged to make it their new homeland. This island would in time come to be known as Pugland and Rufus their first King.

Meanwhile however, a number of the gods were unhappy at the penalty given to the traitors, primarily Zeus, Genghis Khan and Miss Jaws, believing it too lenient for such an unprecedented crime.  A convention of all eight gods was called to decide the fates of the traitor's souls. In a controversial five to three vote, it was decided that the treacherous lobster's souls would not undergo reincarnation but instead would be trapped inside their boiled exoskeletons until the end of days. It was also declared that the lobster monarchy was extinguished and there would never be another King of Mars until the Pie Incarnate himself came. 

Despite the wounds of civil war, Mars quickly rebuilt. It was newly divided into thirteen provinces, including the two moons as one, with a prince or princess ruling over each. The provinces were as follows: Olympus Mons, Three Cities, Squidshire, Clawshire, Bakerland, Pugland, Western Plains, Khan Valley, Fat Crater, North Pole, South Pole, and Photobs and Demios. In time, new trouble brewed however. The lobsters built droids to assist them in day-to-day life and many of these were advanced enough that they had minds and even souls of their own. At the time however, this was not recognised by those in charge of Mars, and droids were afforded few rights. That however was about to change.

One evening, just as young droid J1M3 was about to deactivate for the night, an electronic vision came to him. The Pie itself appeared before him in all it's crusty goodness and told J1 he and all other sapient droids did indeed have souls. The young automaton was overwhelmed and asked the holiest of pastries wqhat he should do. It told him to campaign for droid equality and that he should abandon his factory label in favour of a true name: Jimothy Android, or Jimmy the Droid as he became known.

For years Jimmy did campaign for droid rights and the movement grew in momentum. The debate came to a head at a great rally at the capital Olympus Mons, where Jimmy was due to address the crowd. Just as he reached the podium however, he had only spoken the words "Roger Roger!" when he was shot in the head by the dastardly assassin calling himself Turtle VIII, who believed in the supremacy of biological organisms. There was much grief and just as his opponents were about to declare the killing as proof of that Jimmy was not the Pie's ordained prophet, two winged lobsters descended from the heavens. They took the droid's still intact electronic heart and lifted it into the sky, proudly declaring the love of our crust for all droids, and particularly Jimothy. Seeing that, all but the most stubborn of opponents realised their error and repented their prejudices to the Pie. Jimmy the Droid was thereafter risen up by the Pie to be it's first mortal-born demigod, and the eternal king of all droids, as gratitude for his work.

In time, the lobsters and their allies began to return to Earth in greater numbers, some even making their homes on the blue planet. They needed a method of travel that would not arose suspicion from the increasingly advanced humans and so developed steam pot travel. All a lobster would require would be a steaming pot of boiling water and with the right enchantment, their spirit would be transported to a location of their choice on another planet, leaving their mortal flesh behind as a culinary reward for the helpful human who had sent them on their way.

Thus, human civilisation advanced with the occasional nudge from their undercover crustacean brethren. Around the 12th century, the Pie sensed that men were ready for it's first foray. The great god Genghis Khan was born in human form in Mongolia and quickly united the tribes of that land, bringing the word of the Pie directly to them. Under his command, the Mongols rode forth and created a vast peaceful state across Asia. Tensions arose within the new empire however, with medieval minds finding our crust's teachings hard to comprehend and several massacres occurred under the Mongol banner without Genghis' permission. The disorder rose to a head as warlords squabbled and eventually the great Khan himself was assassinated in mysterious circumstances. The Pie could have sent him back but saw that the world was not ready for Pieism yet. Instead it would wait for more than seven centuries, when it's prophesied champion from the earthly bloodline of Genghis Khan would be born: the one who they would call the JoJo.

Of course, none of the Martians knew how they would recognise such a Pie Incarnate when he or she appeared. Thus the Pie sent visions to the fatling prophetess Fatnip, who spent much of her time mediating on the nature of the Pie. Fatnip came from a long lineage of aristofats, descended from the illustrious Dipsy herself, but had rejected material wealth in favour of worship in Olympus Mons' greatest temple. She was granted seven clues by which the JoJo could be found and recognised, when the time was right.

Book of JoJo

It was on the ninth day of March in the Christian era year of two thousand and six in the green land of England that whom would become the JoJo went to bed. That night he dreamed of an almighty Pie who encompassed the whole universe, and a new religion to be created by him and one other. The next day he discussed with his friend, the future Bodyguard of Pieism.  

"I had similar dreams of a Pie last night; it told me that you are the one true JoJo,"  the future Bodyguard said.

"What could this mean?" the JoJo wondered. At that moment two lobsters appeared and bowed before him reverently.

"Do not be alarmed, we mean you no harm," the lobsters told the JoJo, who jumped in surprise.

"Who are you?" he sputtered.

"I am Heart, and this is Marcus," one of the lobsters replied, "We bring great tidings. For the last few months we have been following clues left by a holy fatling prophetess about the return of the Pie and they have lead us to this very spot. We have been listening to your conversation, is it true that the Pie spoke to you in a dream last night?"

"Yes, it told me to create a new religion...," the JoJo replied in a confused tone, to which the lobsters shouted for joy and danced around in a circle. 

"At last, we have found you!" they cried, "From now on you shall be known as the JoJo and you shall spread the Pie's word amongst humanity, for you are the Pie Incarnate,"

"What..." the JoJo said, "this is a lot to take. What do I do first?"

"Whatever you feel is best, my JoJo. We'll be back later," they replied and bowed before scuttling out of the room.

Thus on the tenth day of March in that year, the JoJo and the Bodyguard together founded the religion that would become known as Pieism. The Bodyguard went around that day recruiting and baptising in preparation for the JoJo's first teachings. When some people asked whether he was the Pie he answered.

"No, for I will baptise you in water while he'll baptise you in gravy". He and the JoJo discovered that the JoJo would be the master and main prophet for the religion and the Bodyguard would be second in precedence of all Pieism. That day they recruited the first three Pie Priests: Yorai, Oliver and Alex.

Soon after the founding of Pieism the JoJo went to a party with his new followers. Half way through the night however they realised they had ran out of proper Coke Cola, all that was left in the fridge was Tesco Value Diet Coke.

"Oh no" cried the Pieists, "the party is ruined!".

"Fear not for I can do something". The JoJo interjected. He then took the Coke bottles, lined them up in a row and muttered some words. When the followers looked they realised that not only had they all turned into proper Coke Cola but they were also Coke Cola with Lime! Everyone praised the Pie and started singing "Put the Lime in the Coke you nut and shake it all up, put the Lime in the Coke you nut and shake it all up." Thus while saving a party the JoJo had done his first miracle.

Later on some followers approached the JoJo and asked him, who was the JoJo and what his role in Pieism? The JoJo thought and answered:

"JoJo is Pie, Pie Incarnate" and they said,

"How is this possible?" and the JoJo answered,

"The Pie is split into three dominions, each represented by the initial gods of Tabby Fat, Zeus the Lobster and Genghis Khan. I am the only being representing all three and therefore I am the one and only thing fully representing the Pie". The followers asked,

"So are all people Pie?" and the JoJo replied,

"Yes, but not just people, the Pie is everything and everything is the Pie, when you look at the stars, or the trees and anything really, you see a reflection of the Pie. There is only two substances in this universe, Pie and Anti-Pie, and they have both created from pure nothingness,"

In September, roughly six months after the founding of Pieism, the JoJo called together his followers and thus said:

"The holy Pie itself gave me these eight commandments to give you moral guidance, these are the most important rules in Pieism. They are as follows:

  1.  Thou shall hold no gods above the holy Pie
  2.  Thou shall not assault, murder or otherwise harm a fellow sapient mortal without just reason
  3.  Thou shall not steal or take possession of property that does not belong to thee
  4. Thou shall not allow any sentient being to experience undue suffering
  5. Thou shall not oppress freedom of speech, assembly or worship at any time
  6. Thou shall treat all food with respect
  7. Thou shall eat pie at-least once a month
  8. Thou shall spread the teachings of the Pie whenever possible

"You should refer to these first in most cases of moral uncertainty unless there is a more particular teaching from me on the issue. Furthermore, these are the seventeen holy days you should keep:

  • 1st January : New Pie day : Celebrates the creation of the Universe by the Pie.
  • 24th January: Jaws day: Celebrates the god Miss Jaws and all sea life.
  • 28th February : Lobster day : Celebrates Zeus the Lobster and his holy race.
  • 10th March : Pieism day : Celebrates the founding of Pieism.
  • 30th March : Sumo day : Celebrates the god Sukune the Sumo, along with sport in general.
  • 16th April : New Life day : Celebrates the Pie making the first life.
  • 3rd May : All Foods day : Celebrates all food, pie or otherwise.
  • 14th June : Genghis Khan day : Celebrates the earthly sacrifice of Genghis Khan.
  • 3rd July : Cheese day: Celebrates the deity Cheryl Cheese and the foodstuff in general.
  • 25th July : Technology day : Celebrates all the technology we have now and will acquire in the future.
  • 9th August : Bodyguard day : Celebrates the birth and life of the Bodyguard.
  • 30th August : JoJo day : Celebrates the birth and life of the JoJo.
  • 10th September : Reformation day: Celebrates the continued evolution and reformation of Pieism.
  • 21st September : Pokemon day : Celebrates the miracle of Pokemon.
  • 11th October : Tabby Fat day : Celebrates the great god Tabby Fat.
  • 5th November : Anti-Traitor day : Celebrates the failure of traitors such as Judas, Guy Falkes and Jojo Misawoki.
  • 4th December: Sally Squid day : Celebrates the goddess of love, Sally Squid.
  • 25th December: Khanmas day : Celebrates the birth of our saviour, Genghis Khan.

Later, when the JoJo was with some followers, they asked him about the Pie's most loyal servants, the lobsters. The JoJo thought about it, then told them the first of the Lobster Stories, 'The Lobster and the Mountain.'

"Once upon a time, there a Englishman crossing the Himalayas and he met some friendly natives, who invited him to go fishing him them. While fishing, he caught a huge, black lobster, the largest crustacean he had ever seen! However, the natives said it was a sacred lobster, whoever ate it would become cursed. The man didn't believe them and that night he ate the whole lobster, as no native would touch it. As he went to bed, in a hut he had borrowed, he heard strange noises outside. He looked out, to see thousands upon thousands of lobsters crawling up the mountain towards him. He ran all the way to the top of the mountain to get away, but there were more lobsters on the other side! They picked him up with their claws, and threw him all the way down the mountain. And he died."

"Does that answer your question?" added the JoJo.

"It does, teacher," they replied, "As now we know, to kill a lobster is a grave sin indeed," and the JoJo said "You are correct, for the lobsters are the angels of the Pie itself. Only when a lobster freely enters a pot of it's own volition, with the hope to return to Mars, is it acceptable to dine on lobster,"

Some time later, a group of Pieists lead by Pie Priest Alex asked the JoJo "Does the Pie love us?" and he replied, "Yes, for a true craftsman loves his creation and you, humanity, are the Pie's finest creations. I, the JoJo, also love you all, as you are all of the Pie, even those who are Anti-Pie, for all have the potential to be with and be the holy Pie. Love all creation, as the land, the sea, the sky, space and of course lifes are all reflections of the Pie's infinite flavours,"

Not long after that, Steven Hawking, a great scientist, woke up to find himself in a strange room. Next to him was a pink squid wearing bright red lipstick. To his surprise, she opened her mouth and spoke to him.

"Hi, I'm Sally Squid, one of the holy gods of the Pie, welcome to the Universal Physics Quiz."

"What's that?" he typed, "You will find out soon!" the squid replied. He was lead onto a brightly lit stage and plugged into a machine, which according to Sally Squid would say what he wanted it to say instantly. On the stage, there were several other contestants and in front of the crowd, there was a young man in a suit.

"Hello!" he said excitedly, "Welcome to the Sixth Universal Physics Quiz, where the greatest minds in the Universe battle it out for a prize of one night with Sally Squid!" "I'm the JoJo, your host tonight!" he continued, "and we have today, Sir Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, Steven Hawking and Tabby Fat!" The JoJo then asked questions while the contestants had to answer.

During the quiz Steven Hawking and Tabby Fat took the lead while the other two contestants fell behind in points.

"And now the final question!" the JoJo exclaimed, "If Tabby Fat or Steven Hawking get this then they have won the game." The contestants waited with bated breath, the crowd fell silent. "Is time constant!" shouted the JoJo and Steven could feel the signals going from him to the buzzing machine while he could see Tabby Fat's tail flying towards his button. Who would get there first?

"BUZZ", came the noise from someone's machine. "Einstein", said the JoJo "Your answer?"

"No," Einstein simply replied.

"You are correct," shouted the JoJo "Unfortunately that isn't enough to put you in the lead, it's now a head to head between Steven Hawking and Tabby Fat!"
The JoJo looked down and read the last card, "How did the Big Bang happen?"

Steven thought instantly, his brainwaves signalling the machine, but would it be fast enough? "BUZZ!" his machine went.

"It's your question Hawking!" the JoJo said.

"Was it the collision of two multidimensional branes?" he asked. The crowd was silent again, waiting for the JoJo's rresponse

"No!" he cried, "that is not correct. Tabby Fat?" Tabby Fat thought a moment, then said

"Was it the collision between the Pie and the Anti Pie?" The JoJo was silent for a moment, then replied "That is correct, you have won the quiz!" As Tabby Fat was awarded the prize, he heard Sally Squid behind him,

"I want a night with you anyway." What happened doesn't need to be described.

After the JoJo returned from the dream world in which the Universal Physics Quiz had taken place, he collected the best of his followers for some new teachings.

"All food is sacred" said the JoJo "You must treat all your food with most the respect you would give a pie. However, pie is the most holy of foods, as it is made in the image of the Pie itself. After pie, the next most sacred of food is cheese, always remember that cheesiness is next to pieliness!" He paused, and then carried on "Some of the Pieists of the ancient times taught that cake was evil, similar to what we believe about the Anti-Pie. I tell you now, cake is not evil! It is but a mere food, as chocolate, carrots and turnips are. Shun cake if you want, but it will not gain you favours in the book of the Pie."

"I have another teaching for you to take heed of," continued the JoJo "I command you to respect all life, from the monkeys, to the ants, the sharks and even the French! I tell you only to kill for food, never kill animals sadistically, as that it not the way of the Pie. Those who kill needlessly will not be looked on favourably by the Pie or any of the gods, except Zeus the Lobster, and maybe Miss Jaws! You are also forbidden to consume the flesh of any sapient mortal, so do not eat human, or lobster, or fatling, or pug, or droid, unless it is freely offered to you in a pot or you are under mortal peril,"

And so Pieism kept on expanding, with new followers joining all the time, the holy word of the Pie being spread to more and more people. The Pieist internet community was also growing, as the Pieism website became better and easier to understand. At the same time more deep understandings about the nature of the Pie were being revealed by the JoJo to the loyalist of the followers.

One day, around the time mentioned above, the JoJo was at a follower?s house, the Pie Priest Yorai, with the Bodyguard. Yorai had just received a four foot Lego Yoda off eBay, however when he opened it, there was just five Lego bricks in the box

"Nooo!" wailed the follower, "I will never be able to build it now!"

"Never fear!" said the JoJo "I'm sure there are enough". So the JoJo, the Bodyguard and Yorai started building the four foot Lego Yoda. However many bricks they used, there seemed to be lots to spare. While they were building, the JoJo reminded them "Star Wars is good but beware of Star Trek, it will suck your life away if you are not careful," Finally, when they were finished, the Bodyguard and Yorai were amazed by the power of the JoJo, they had just built a complete four foot Lego Yoda with just five Lego bricks!

Around this time Rosie, sister of the JoJo, asked him about lobsters, to tell him a story so she may know about them. So the JoJo told her the second Lobster Story: the Lobster and the Old Man.

"Once upon a time there was an old wealthy man with a pet lobster. He was really kind to it; he gave it lots of food, played video games with it and gave it several female lobsters. He and the lobster had a great time in the old man's huge mansion and garden. However, one day the old man died and the mansion was given to his hardhearted niece, who changed the old man's will so she instead of the lobster would get his estate. She put the lobster in a bulletproof tank and ate all his female lobsters, he knew that she was going to eat him for her birthday. On her birthday, she held a huge party, where the poor lobster was cooked up and served. Just as everyone had finished the meal, however, they heard a terrible noise coming from the roof. They looked up, only to see the whole top of the mansion was gone, and there, hovering above it, was the great Lobster god Zeus himself! The guests watched in fear as Zeus picked up the niece and chucked her into space. And she died."

"Do you now understand about lobsters?" asked the JoJo.

"Yes," replied Rosie "I see that lobsters are not just funny-looking crustaceans, they are tough, hard shelled, fire shooting, elite fighters. Only the true Pie would have such soldiers at its disposal,"

"You are indeed wise," said the JoJo "You could be a great leader for Pieism in the future".

Not long after that, some followers approached the JoJo and asked him:

"Did evolution happen, or is intelligent design true?"

"Both are true, in their own way," the JoJo replied, "the Pie baked all life upon Earth in it's image but it did so by evolution. Trying to deny what is plainly obvious is a foolish endeavour indeed," The followers thanked the JoJo and recorded his word for the Pieists of the future.

Later that month, in a maths class, the JoJo was asked by the Bodyguard.

"What is the holiest of numbers?" The JoJo thought about this and answered thus.

"There are three holy numbers, two minor numbers and one major number. The two minor holy numbers are thirteen and forty two. Thirteen because that is a sacred number of the Pie, the universe is currently around thirteen billion years old, even the founding date is related to thirteen, the tenth of March can also be written as ten and three, ten plus three equals thirteen! Forty two is also a sacred number of the universe and therefore of the Pie, it was revealed by the philosopher Douglas Adams."

"The most holy number of all," continued the JoJo, "Is Pi (π), most precisely 3.14159 26535 89793 23846 26433 83279 50288 41971 69399 37510... This is the most sacred number in the entire universe. If you divide forty two by thirteen you get roughly 3.23077, which is close to Pi but not quite. This is because of the corruption of the Anti-Pie in the physical universe, forty two divided by thirteen should equal 3.14159... the difference between what it should equal and what it does is the amount of Anti-Pie corruption in the universe, which luckily is only roughly 0.0891765... The number Pi is infinite, just like the almighty Pie it represents. Does this answer your question?" and the Bodyguard said "Yes, for in numbers such as Pi, the true elegance of the Pie is revealed!"

Some time after that, a group of doubting followers approached the JoJo to ask him about the forgiving nature of the Pie.

"O man of crusts," said they, "You claim the Pie to be a bastion of forgiveness, yet we only hear of his justice through the millennial curse of the necrolobster. Where has the Pie offered forgiveness?"

"Ah, if a skeleton lobster was to ask me sincerely for clemency, I would oblige," the JoJo replied, "But nonetheless, I will tell a story:

Once upon a time many centuries ago in North America lived a native man by the name of Hiss. He and his aged parents were travelling as traders when they were attacked and slain by bandits. Now, most mortals would accept their fate and await judgement on Jupiter by Genghis Khan but not Hiss. Using his guile and wits, he escaped from the hall of the dead and found his way back to the spot on Earth where he'd been murdered. From there, he took the form of his personal spirit, a snake, and tracked down the bandits and when he found them, he smote them and rid the area of a great menace. He then returned to Jupiter to hand himself and await his fate. The Pie saw that his intentions had been noble and so pardoned the man and rose him up to become a demigod: Hiss the Snake."

Soon after the tale of Hiss the Snake had been recounted, the JoJo gathered many of his followers together.

"A new revelation has taken place," he announced, "It has become clear to me in a dream that my very own sister Rosie is none other than the human incarnation of Queen Puggles Puggington Pugster, Queen of all pugs and Princess of Pugland." While the followers took this in, he explained how centuries ago, the former pug king Rufus had survived an assassination attempt, only to die of his wounds two days later. While the Pie could have brought the old dog back, after millennia of reigning he wanted nothing more than rest, so instead a successor was created for him who would rule Pugland until the end of time. The young pug who was raised again was to be known as Queen Puggles and she would be no mere mortal but a demigod. Now she had been incarnated as the sister of the JoJo and was from there on third in precedence for earthly Pieism.

It came to pass that the JoJo was travelling when he was asked about who Hercules the Lobster was. He recounted a story about how he met the famous crustacean hero.

"Hercules is the demigod son of Zeus, along with a mortal consort. He was almost lost as a larvae but after the intervention of my brother, I adopted him via the lobster hatchery in Trowbridge. He soon grew to become a young lobster of unusual strength, his muscles bulging out of his ebony shell. After causing an unfortunate injury in a barfight, he set out to complete the twelve labours of Hercules the Lobster. That my followers is another story, however,"

Thus, the story of the JoJo continues to be written to this day, and will be added to until his time on this Earth is up.

Book of Prophecies

It is written that the learned fatling prophetess who foresaw the coming of the JoJo made one final prophecy on her deathbed. Few knew of her words until now, which have been revealed to give Pieists hope in future trials.

"I saw an Earth shrouded in darkness, the word of the JoJo forgotten by many. A figure rose, offering hope and renewal, but instead he was of the Anti-Pie. Pieism was banned and it's adherents forced to go undercover.

Then suddenly the clouds broke open and the sound of a thousand spirits singing in harmony descended upon the embattled Pieists. A man with long flowing hair and shining white robes came down riding a chariot in the shape of a golden pie, drawn by two giant winged lobsters. With one wave of his hand, an entire battalion of the enemy were smited and the rest turned and fled in terror. The Pieists gasped and then fell onto their knees when they recognised the man.

"Our JoJo..." the gasp arose. The battle was long and hard but the Pieists prevailed in the end, scattering the forces of the Anti-Pie. Thus shortly after came the final battle. Behind the JoJo stood his loyal Bodyguard, and the rest of the holy gods. Every spirit of the Pie waited in formation, along with the lobsters, their allies and every honest human. Opposing them stood the malevolent Parukia, the Anti-JoJo, flanked by Misawoki and every evil imaginable.

The JoJo searched around while fighting for the Anti-JoJo, twirling his twin swords of honour and justice. He saw the fiend, standing tall among his minions, and stepped forward. The Anti-JoJo noticed his opponent and brought out his own two swords of dishonour and prejudice. Together the two champions clashed for hours on end, Pie vs. Anti-Pie. As time was running out the JoJo did a daring manoeuvre in the hope of bringing the fight to an end but by a mistimed parry he missed his opponent's side and instead the Anti-JoJo disarmed him. The JoJo stumbled back with no weapon, knowing in his heart something must happen. The Bodyguard saw the JoJo in this state and he threw the third great sword, of swordliness, to the JoJo. The unsuspecting Anti-JoJo was laughing, walking towards the JoJo spinning his swords over his head. The JoJo caught the Bodyguard’s sword and thrust it right through the Anti-JoJo’s middle. The fiend looked down to see the blade sticking through him and screamed in rage as he realised he had been defeated. The Anti-JoJo fell down and as he lay dying the minions of Anti-Pie dissolved into nothing.

The Anti-Pie had been defeated forever but at great cost. The order of the solar system was now collapsing, the JoJo did one last great task. He took the last of matter from the material universe and used the final dregs of his power to travel back in time, so far that not even the Pie had been baked. And then, he, the JoJo, baked the Pie in that primordial oven and therefore the JoJo, who was the Pie, was the Baker, so it turned out that the Pie baked itself. The JoJo then returned to the time from whence he had left and watched with satisfaction as the Earth was united with Mars, whilst the red spot of Jupiter was finally extinguished, with all evil destroyed. Thus all beings became one with the Pie and all suffering came to an end. This is what is destined to occur, if the faith of Pieists remains strong, so praise the holy Pie, it's JoJo and all that is good in this world!"