Pieism: The Official Site

Embrace the Pie!

The Almighty Pie

The almighty Pie is by far the most important entity of all, for it is everything. We try not to call the Pie a god because its not really a god, its far more important than that. The Pie is a spiritual force which guides everything but is also everything. To imagine it, we often picture the Pie as being a pastry floating in space. In reality this pastry is so large that it is the universe we live in. The best representative we have of the Pie is the JoJo, for he is the Pie Incarnate.

The Minor Gods

Described below are the eight gods who serve the holy Pie. These are the great servants of our crust, created at the beginning of time to do its bidding...

Zeus the Lobster

Zeus is a giant bearded lobster who leads the fight against the Anti-Pie, the Pie's polar opposite. His claws are said to crackle with orange flames and mini black holes.  In antiquity he was confused with a humanoid god by the ancient Greeks, despite his true crustacean form. He commands the lobster army and has his daughter Miss Jaws serving under him. He is also known for chucking certain traitors into space... or throwing lightning bolts at them.

Tabby Fat

Tabby Fat is an infinitely fat limbless feline who spends most of his day eating. His job is to keep an eye on the physical working of the universe and to make new stars and galaxies. He has Cheryl Cheese and Sally Squid to help him with his vital job (especially when he's stuffing his face with food). He used to be married to the spirit Tabitha Fat but divorced her many eons ago in an affair that remains obscure to this day, now he is engaged to Sally Squid. He has had four children: Dipsy, iFat, and Fatina, who were the first fatlings in existence, and also Wulfric von Whale, a demigod. 

Genghis Khan

Genghis Khan is a god who was reborn on Earth in the 12th century to prepare the world for the JoJo's coming. During his lifetime he was King of the Mongol Empire and after death he rose up to Mars to reclaim his place as a god. Unfortunately, his terrestrial enemies misrepresented him as a mindless barbarian rather than the wise ruler he was, and the image has stuck ever since.  Now the Khan has returned to his palace over the red spot of Jupiter where he judges each soul on their fate after death. Sukune the Sumo serves under him and supplies him with his favourite food, yak cheese. 

Cheryl Cheese

Cheryl Cheese is a relatively powerful god who serves under Tabby Fat and helps the universe run. She is also the god of music and a renowned singer among the deities. Otherwise she is known for her rather cheesy smell and also being the only god who Sally Squid has never dated. 

Sally Squid

Sally Squid is the goddess of love and beauty, she also helps her fiancée Tabby Fat manage outer space. She has dated most of the gods at some time or another and has been known to take mortal lovers on many occasions too. She is also considered an honorary Princess of Mars.

Miss Jaws

Miss Jaws is a fierce warrior goddess who assists Zeus the Lobster in his daily duties. Despite being born at the same time as Sally Squid, she is in fact the daughter of the Zeus and Sally as a result of an accident involving a seaside date, two bowls of shark fin soup and a time machine.

Sukune the Sumo

His full name being Nomi no Sukune, the Sumo god is Genghis Khan's most loyal servant and follower, he came down with the Khan to Earth in the 12th century. He crushes his opponents in his endless waves of flab. Only the Tabby Fat can eat a thousand pies faster than the Sumo can.

The Bodyguard

The JoJo's close friend and second in command is in fact a god in his own right, the Bodyguard's earthly form was born around the same time as the JoJo but he existed for eons beforehand. His identity has been hidden here to protect him from spies working for the Anti-Pie. He thinks he's better with a sword than the JoJo but....

The Demigods

Below the minor gods are the demigods, a set of particularly powerful spirits chosen by the Pie to represent and serve it. Some are the children of the gods, others are mortals of particular merit who were apotheosized after death, more rarely both. A short list of the known ten demigods.

Jimmy the Droid 

The first robotic rights leader, Jimmy was assassinated on Mars many centuries ago by a biological supremacist. After his death he was created king and patron spirit of all droids in recognition of his work.

Hiss the Snake

Originally a native American man, Hiss broke free of the afterlife to avenge his and his parents' deaths. After achieving this, he handed himself back to the Pie for judgement, who impressed by his conduct promoted him to a demigod. He takes both the form of a snake and a human, whichever is more convenient at the time.

Lorenza Lasange

The pasta daughter of Cheryl Cheese, once erroneously believed to be a god. Now it is better known that Lorenza was the first demigod ever created, not long after the gods themselves came into being.

Queen Puggles Pugster 

The immortal queen of all pugs and princess of Pugland, Puggles was resurrected for this role after the assassination of King Rufus of Pugs. In later times she incarnated as a human in the form of the younger sister of the JoJo.

Roe Khan

The last son of Genghis Khan, Roe created with the permission of the Pie after Genghis Khan lamented the short lives of his mortal sons and daughters. An never-aging child, he is also known as 'the Trickster'.

Petal of Arabia 

The companion of Roe, Petal was originally a mortal friend of the young demigod who was slain in a war. Filled with grief, he begged his father to release her soul and when he would not, rescued her from the palace of the dead on Jupiter. Together they fled from Genghis Khan's wrath but before any further harm could be done, the Pie intervened and transformed Petal into a demigod, ending the feud.

Tabitha Fat 

Created by Tabby Fat as the perfect companion, ultimately their relationship didn't work out so well and the pair divorced. Tabitha remains a demigod however and a protector of the fatling race, who descend from her and Tabby.

Memnon the Genie

An Ethiopian warrior who saved many lobster's lives and was granted by Zeus a wish for his noble deeds. A sly fellow, Memnon asked for infinite wishes. This made the Lobster God very angry but then he granted the warrior's wish... with a catch. Memnon had infinite wishes but he could only grant them to other people, one per person. Then he was trapped in a lamp and hidden on an island somewhere in the world. Anyone who stumbles upon him has their heart examined and those who are good will have their wish granted as they expect, while those who habour evil intentions will have their wish twisted in any way possible.

Wulfric von Whale 

The only son of Tabby Fat and Sally Squid, Wulfric is a time-travelling whale who's duty it is to stop any paradoxes festering in space-time. For this he leads the Time Defence Force and is always seen carrying around a pocket watch which tells him what era it is.

Hercules the Lobster

Son of Zeus the Lobster, Hercules was adopted as a larvae by the JoJo to protect him. Later he grew up to become a great hero lobster, the strongest lobster ever known, and eventually sacrificed his life in a noble cause. Upon death he was created the tenth demigod by the Pie.